Porc chops

Today I ate a porcupine, which is a cross between a pig and an evergreen. I'm testing foods at my new job at a genetics labratory. We are trying to make a single food item that has the benefits of both animal (protein) and plant (photosythesis). I, being the test subject, ate nothing but porcupine for three days. We then measured my muscle mass, which increased from five to six, and I stood in a puddle of water for five hours leaning towards the sun. We measuered my suger level before and after but I was no sweeter than usual (32) and my toes were all wrinkled from standing in the puddle that long. It's really weird how they tested me for sweetness. I'll be dreaming about that experience for a while. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exfoliate.

I forgot

I know everything on here is made up, but this isn't.

huh, where am I?

huh, where am I? I don't remeber posting this.

My Arm Fell Off

I tried to do too many things at once today and my right arm fell off. I went to the doctor to have it reattached and he offered me an upgrade. I was thinking that he was going to give me a third arm, but he said, "No, we don't do that here." So I wondered what kind of upgrade he was talking about. He said that for just a few extra hundred dollars, I could have a muscle filled arm instead of the jelly one that I now possess. I was a little dissappointed, because although I always wanted a muscle filled arm, it wouldn't be as helpful as a third jelly-filled one.

I decided to pass on his offer (since I didn't have a few extra hundred dollars) and went to my nearest arms dearler. After a few minutes of looking at his inventory I left disappointed because all he had were firearms and I wasn't interested if having a body part that would continously be on fire. So I went to the second had store hoping to find something with an arm attached, but they didn't have any. I thought that maybe I could get by with just another hand, but they wouldn't sell me another one since I already had two. It was against their policy. So I went to a third hand store, but everything they had was deformed and I didn't want that.

So I went home, but all the running around made my feet fall off, so off I went to the doctor again to the doctor. He reattached my feet and offered me another upgrade. Three feet for a yard. I had a yard, but I didn't want the Doctor to own it. I asked him where he got the third foot from, and he said that he took it off a foot soldier this morning. He didn't need it.

Driving Off The Edge of The World

Today, I drove off the edge of the world. It wasn't as scary as people told me it would be. I was going to use my own car, but I decided against that since I didn't know what was over the edge. It turns out that there were marshmallows. Lots of them, and they weren't the mini ones either. Anyway, I borrowed my friend's car and since the guy at the body shop (I bought a replacement arm from him last week and a couple of extra kidneys. (I didn't need the kidneys, but they were on sale and I couldn't pass it up.) I bought a bottle of beer(1) and put one of them in that, to see what would happen. It bloated up so big, it burst the bottle. It rolled around on the table in a drunken stupor before deflating like a balloon.) wait... I was talking about something... oh yeah, the car. The guy at the body shop got the marshmallow out okay so I still have that particular friend. Hmm... I guess I'll have to try harder next time... maybe a picnic of ants in the bed or styraphome peanuts in the bathtub. I wish blogs had spell check on them. I'm really limping along here. So I drove off the end of the world and all I got was a car full of marshmallows. Not to mention a stupid t-shirt... I didn't mention a t-shirt. Nope, not me. No t-shirt mentioning here. Umm... Bye.

Never make fun of a woman who can benchpress a volkswagon

So today I put my foot in my mouth... well, I didn't actually put my foot inmy mouth, it was put there for me by a musclebound austrian woman with blond curly hair and I thought she was a man. I said... well... forget what I said. (She might be reading this (if she knows how to read (I didn't type that ))) Let's just say that I said something that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. I will never refer to a woman's armpits in that fashon ever again. I have learned my lesson.

Rumor

Today I decided to start a rumor. I told everyone I know and a bunch of people I don't know that Superman is alive and coming back to town. I hid in the bushes at bus stops and whispered. I graffitied public bathrooms and shouted from rooftops. Crime is going down, because Superman is coming back. Most people asked if he had been here a first time, to which I replied. "Silly rabbit, trix are for kids." No wait... that's not right. I said, "But I don't wanna be a pirate." No... that's not it either. I said something about the color blue being the differnce between eighteen and thirty-four. Umm... hold on a second... ::flips through a few notes, walks over to roomate, asks him questions inaudibly, answers the phone, "No, I don't want another credit card. I have... oh, Hi Josh. I thought you were someone else. Bye." comes back to the computer:: so what was I saying? Oh yeah, I said, "What are you talking about? Superman isn't real.

Back To Blogs

Well... I'm back. I was on vacation pretending to be a grown-up. It was fun for a while (no it wasn't) paying bills, paying taxes, going to work, it was life... no wait. It was vacation. But I'm home now, child at heart, mind, body, and soul. Just like Huckleberry Finn, Peter Pan and Pippi Longstalking. Well... perhaps not just like. It was weird, being grown-up. I had responsibility and obligations and... umm... a bigger vocabulary. I walked around town without even once looking into the windows of the toy stores. I read books and adult magizines... no wait, not those adult magazines. Magizines like The New Yorker and Writer's Journal. But now, I'm back to blogs. Web Infantcy in its greatest form.