Clumbsy me

I think I may have accidently kocked the world off of its axis. I was dancing one of those groove things, and I slammed into a table that was bolted into the ground. I called the earth repair guys and they'll be here on Monday. I apologize to the people who go fishing because the tide will probably be the most affected and the little books that fisherman use will be all wrong this weekend.

Wow, what a vacation

I arrived back in the US on Saturday and slept until tomorrow. Traveling around the world for five days, gaining and losing a pet, a wife, and losing and gaining an arm, feet, and a butt will wear a guy out.

South America

I spent the day in Brasilia, Brazil. I walked around town speaking Spanish with the locals. Now I haven't spoken Spanish in quite a few years, and I'd be the first to admit that my accent is off and my vocabulary is a bit rusty, but no one, and I mean no one I met spoke Spanish correctly. They were worse off than I was. I mean, I could almost figure out what they were saying most of the tme, but it was as if they spoke a different language or something.

So, my wife Dhroto, who doesn't speak Spanish at all, nor does she speak English, did not make it all the way to South America. I will keep an eye out for her for the rest of my life, but I doubt that I'll see her again. Who knows what place she was thinking of when she ate the Beef Jerky with teleportation properties. I only have a little bit left. I hope it's enough to get home. I was kidnapped by three foul smelling men. I am currently tied up in a basement that also houses barrels and barrels of alcohol. I'm posting this with a pencil I've pulled out of my shirt pocket with my teeth. Later, I'm going to complain that I have to go to the bathroom, and when they let me go, I'll eat the Beef Jerky with teleprotation properties then. It's a good thing they can't read English or they would figure out my plan by checking out my blog. Oh, I hear them coming. (It's difficult to type with your teeth and a pencil, I keep slobering over their keyboard.)

Africa

I stepped out of a waste hut in the Jungle. The tribe to whom the hut belongs seemed to have never seen a white man before. They invited me to a tribal dinner, at which they thawed out Charile, my frozen wooly mammoth from Nepal and a witch doctor rummaged through his hut and pulled out an extra arm and feet for me. I was very grateful, since I lost mine earlier this week. He couldn't find an extra butt, however. This was a bit displeasing. It's hard to sit through a feast when you don't have a butt. (I froze it off in Nepal when I found Charlie.) The feast was mid morning, about ten o'clock and afterwards we took a hunt through the jungle. I killed a blue butt baboon, and the witch doctor fastened his onto mine. I started to protest, but since I ususally wear pants over it anyway, it wasn't like anyone was really going to notice. As it is tradition, I married one of the tribal daughters. Her name, as far I can make out, is Dhroto. Either that or that's the word for wife. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I'll be able to take her with me, since it would be hard for me to communicate to her how to work the Beef jerky with Teleportation properties. In exchange for my wife, I decided to leave them Charlie, who after being frozen for a few thousand years has developed a bit of a cold. The heat should be good for him, and if he doens't make it, he'll fed them for at lest a month. Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation. I think I'm going to South America.

Europe

So I appeared in Europe after eating the Beef Jerky with Teleportation properties and I spent the day walking arund a tiny walled town in Germany. People haven't been so friendly since I am missing a arm and my butt... plus, my pet frozen wooley mammoth named Charlie has a hard time fitting through the small crooked streets. I have a German phrasebook, and I decided to try out the lingo on a hefty looking German milkmaid (she was actually carrying two jugs of milk.) I said something that was supposed to mean, "This is a lovley town" but instead it must of meant "Please slap me in the face." She slapped hard too, ther five fingers (and I'm so happy that none of them are ringed) left a mark across my cheek.

I tried to visit the countryside, but Charlie wouldn't fit through the city gate, so I tried to climb the wall and I lost my footing. I looked for it for three hours before I decided to give up and eat the next Beef Jerky. So tomorrow, I'm goign to Africa with one arm, no but, no feet, and a pet frozen wooley mammoth named Charile.

Asia

I appeared in the Tibetean Mountains from the Beef Jerky with Teleportaion purposes. I dug a hole in the snow and found a frozen wooley mammoth. I named him Chuckles. Chuckles and I had a good time telling jokes and roasting marshmellows. I built a fire out of a few pieces of wood I found and some extra clothes I brough along. That was a bit of a mistake, because I froze my butt off. So I ended the day hiking through the Tibitean Highlands with one arm, no butt, and a frozen mammoth named Chuckles for a pet. Tomorrow, I'm going to Europe.

Australia

Today I walked around Sydney. I tried to imitate the accent so I could pretend I was a native. I kept calling everyone mate and started speaking with appostrophies in stead of words. One guy took me crocadile wrestling. His name was Bloke. Bloke and I went out back to the swamp. It took us a while to find one. When we did, I jumped on it and it bit my arm off. I ordered another one from the creator of Star Wars, since it seems to happen a lot in the movies, and they just slap a mechanical one on. I also looked on line for an arm from the makers of I, Robot, but they're a lot more expensive. Well, the next stop is Asia. The Beef Jerky with teleportation abilities tastes a little bland. I think I should add more salt.

Vacation

Well, today I embark on my five day vacation. I'm going to travel to five different contitents in one work week. Since I already live in North America, I'm going to go to Austrailia (Monday), Asia (tuesday), Europe (Wednesday), Africa (Thursday), and finally South America (Friday). Antartica doesn't seem worth it.

I know that airfare is really expensive, so I invented Beef Jerky with Teleporation properties. I hobby in genetic food production and combined it with a recent fascination of Quantum physics. My original thoguht was to use a banana, but they were turning brown too fast. Beef Jerky is always brown.

So the way it works, is that you eat a piece while thining of where you want to go. Then you get a violent case of the runs, at which time you plug your nose and think really hard about where you want to go, and when you get out of the bathroom, you're there. Well... Here we go, ::munch munch munch:: Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Syndey Austrailia Oh... errrgggrraaaa aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh oooooooooooo ::slam::